*Loud exhale*
I need to talk about Mother’s Day for a minute.
Holidays can be ghetto when you’re away from your family/loved ones, but this one was… my lamb. GHE-TOE, at least the morning portion.
When I woke up that Sunday there was this overwhelming “ehh” feeling sitting on my back, and wail that was loading in my chest. It was grief.
While I was celebrating my amazing mommy and knew that I would spend a good part of the day celebrating some of my "mommy friends"… for the first time, I wanted to be celebrated too.
Oh… ya’ll not ready for these kinds of talks, but here we go.
I am 32 years old; I’ll be 33 in less than 6 months. I am not married, barely dating, and I don’t have any children. I am surrounded by women who are mothers, wives, fiancés, etc and that is so beautiful. All of my friend’s kids, are TT Racq’s babies, I’m a bridesmaid in a wedding soon, and preparing to attend a host of weddings over the next year… but when will it be my time?
Did I miss my moment? Should I have settled down by now? Is there something wrong with me? Why wasn’t I able to stay in the relationship, and get to the happy ending part?
My parents are getting older… what if they don’t get to fully enjoy their grandkids? What if my kids don’t get to fully experience how great their grandparents are?
I mean if we gon' talk about it… Had I made some alternative decisions in my life, could I have been celebrating Mother’s Day? Tuh, a couple times over bookie. But holiness is still right…. Hallelu.
Then I was grieved for the girlies who have babies in heaven, babies that live elsewhere, babies in NICU, or just babies in their dreams. Some of us cry silent tears behind those voids in our hearts, and souls. You have no idea.
I think I’m just grieving what I thought my life would like by now, while also being fully grateful to God that He didn’t allow some things to take place. Because what if I mishandled the kid that God gave me, ‘cause I didn’t properly take care of me? Hell… what if I mishandle the husband God gave me… Nevermind, we’ll leave that there.
*takes another breath*
It’s okay though… because by the time my sweet little family joins the plot, I will be in a much healthier place. And I’ll be able to love them fully… I won’t be perfect, but I’ll be healthier.
So here’s to traveling, spending time with my girls, more therapy sessions, more discovery, and more adventures in the meantime.
It’s going to be okay, my girl.
Talk soon,
Racq