Ya’ll ever been sick of healing?
Hold on, I got an attitude. Let’s breathe first.
*loud exhale*
Nah, YA’LL EVER BEEN SICK OF HEALING?!?
Like bruh, I KNOW I conquered that area… I KNOW I already overcame that. Why am I triggered? Why do I still feel some type of way? Why is this bothering me?!?
I know we are healing in waves ya’ll, but this is… a lot. I’m sorry.
The problem is, when you’re on a “healing journey” you're sometimes navigating familiar spaces with new perspective. Sometimes you’re
confronted with old issues to see how you respond or react. And it takes work not to crash out.
You know how many “healed people” want to lose it…JUST…ONCE..!? It takes the literal heavenly host and 3 prayer warriors to say, “You’re doing great, you got this. Just breathe.”
Wild Behavior.
Wanna know what side of “healing” I’m currently navigating? The guilt of mishandling people when I was in unhealed seasons. The guilt of misspeaking, judging, blaming, being angry when I was the problem. Do you know what kind of gut punch that is, when you now want to love people like Jesus does? To know that at one time, you were not only unlovable, but you may have potentially bruised somebody’s growth because you were having an immature
moment?
I want to go on an apology tour at this point, truly.
The amount of grace that I have to have for myself right now is… quite literally insane. For some people I want to call them up, cry until
the words are jumbled together and they just know I’m sorry. For other people, I want to write a letter. And the crazy part is, 8.5/10 the people who I offended may be over it considering how much time has passed. But because I now have new perspective, I find myself going back in my mind to see how I could’ve handled certain moments better.
Then I find myself in a place of repentance, again.
But as much as I’d like to go back and right every single wrong that I’ve had my hand in, it’s humanly impossible. And more than that, it
would probably put me in a very fluffy room with a lockless door, and I’d be served pudding. (Boy, I wonder if it’s butterscotch)
The best that I can do in this present moment, is to posture myself in daily prayer, FORGIVE myself because I was in a very different place,
and strive to live for God with everything that I have. Above all else, I have to breathe. This Racquel (put your name there) has done some deep work to become who she is today, and she cannot penalize her younger self for mistakes. It was all a part of the story.
Boy, that reality comes with a lot of tears.
This journey is not for the faint at heart. But with God as your anchor, a really safe and affirming community, and some deep breaths… you
can get through it. You just can’t put yourself on a time clock. You’ll be a work in progress until we get to the gates.
So, breathe.
Man, a seafood boil and cinnamon roll is so needed right now.
Talk soon,
Racq