Alrightttyyyy,
You finished the cute and bubbly part of convococo. Now let’s discuss this nitty gritty, shall we?
So, convococo started on August 28th. Wanna know what that date also signified? It marked my 1-year anniversary of moving to Memphis. You talk about emotional rollercoaster?! Ya’ll KNOW what kind of year I’ve had. And honestly, ya’ll don’t even have all the deets but you know that we’ve been tossed and driven, AMEN?!
*Loud exhale*
The idea of this event starting on my anniversary let me know that the Lord was going to want to discuss some things. Chile, I wasn’t even ready for what He wanted to discuss but let me tell you how He caught me slipping.
*Wild Behavior*
Thursday, the first night, I was overwhelmed with gratitude for God just keeping me through the last year. I was grateful for my life, what I’ve accomplished, my amazing friends and church family, just grateful. I cried, I danced and just celebrated all that I had walked through. Easy day, right? Welp.
Friday came. I was running late, but I got there, stayed all day, just basking in all the messages. I’m in pure bliss, I’m swaying, just enjoying Jesus. I shed a little tear, but nothing crazy. Then came Saturday, and here’s where it got a little rough.
I completely overslept, but managed to get myself showered, ready and out the door. (And still was on time) I didn’t wear any makeup, because I just felt like this day was going to be a wipe out for me… boy was it.
See, by this day I was fully open and ready to receive whatever God had for me. I was no longer playing hard to get and could hear His voice pretty clearly. So, while I was in a moment of worship, just thanking Him, crying, “Oh you’re so good” and such… He got me, and I mean good.
Before we get there let me park for just a second. Over the last month or so between therapy and self-reflection, I’ve found myself sitting in the reality of the last year of my life. I’ve started to give myself
permission to feel all of the things so that I can work to heal them. And I’ve even realized that some things that I downplayed actually hurt more than I wanted to admit. But it was easier for me to feel on a surface level than to go to deep… does that make sense?
Keeping that in mind, let’s go back to the story.
I was facing the wall, and all of a sudden I heard “You’re mad at me about ____”. In my heart I said, NUH UH! But God doesn’t lie, so I had to keep listening. He began walking me through some scenarios and let me know how frustrated I was with Him at my core… and I didn’t even realize it. I thought
I was just mad at people, but I had been frustrated with God because of what He allowed.
*Shew*
I broke, in seconds. Found myself laying at the altar, unashamed, because it no longer mattered. And all I could get out was, “I’m…so…sorry”. I know He’d already forgiven me, but because I didn’t know it had been in my heart the whole time, I was overcome with repentance. I just didn’t want us beefing like
that… not us.
I was crying uncontrollably. But it was almost as if those tears broke open a gate, to other tears that had been locked up from other situations. I just couldn’t stop crying. I went through at least 5 paper
towels. Paper towels baby, not tissue.
And when I got done sobbing, He gave me some instructions that made me suck my teeth very… very loud. But what could I do? I was completely vulnerable before Him, so He took His liberty while I was open. And I obeyed, even though I didn’t like it.
Now, I have to give myself yet another dose of grace because I thought I was further along in some areas than I am. But its really okay, I’m still healing… just in waves.
Besides… I’m just now finding out, there’s been a barrier on my heart for over a year.
Ain’t that wild?
Ya’ll pray for ya girl.
Talk soon,
Racq