Shew.
This may be a little long, we'll see.
A few nights ago, a friend and I were talking about a situation that I walked through a couple years back. I can't remember the last time I told that story, especially not that in-depth, but there was purpose behind it.
Anyhow, by the time I took a breath and looked up, there was this shocked look on her face. She just kept saying, "Huh?!".
*Chuckles*
Afterwhile she asked me, "How did you regulate yourself after that happened?". (She said later that that question was prompted by the Lord, because she was still in a daze) She wanted to know, how I processed all of what had happened in such a short amount of time.
Nobody had ever asked me that question; especially not like that.
My body got very still, and I felt emotion leave me quickly... like a vapor. Gone. The next words out of my mouth were, "I was numb for about 3 months.".
It was the literal truth.
When I thought back to that season, I remember going into protective/defense mode... almost like, "Quel, let's do whatever we have to, to power through this moment.", and I did. I couldn't afford to fall a part, I didn't have time to slip into depression... not openly at least. And I surely didn't have the luxury of letting a soul see me sweat.
I had to endure... like a good soldier, right?
*loud exhale*
Needless to say, the more I answered the question that my friend asked, the more still my body became. I was aware enough to know that I didn't feel dark or even heavy, but I was numb... almost seemingly, cold.
I waited for the tears to well up in my eyes, nothing.
I waited for my chest to get tight, nothing.
After a few moments of silence, all I could get out was "never again", while shaking my head.
Shew.
The Lord has me in such an interesting space. I'm literally revisiting older seasons in my life, through a new lens. So I'm trying to see if I'm triggered or if I'm just telling a story, as if I'm not the main character.
Idk if that makes sense.
If I'm honest ya'll, sometimes I feel like I'm making stuff up... but the memories, receipts, etc. say otherwise.
I think as a people, we sometimes downplay our pain or our experiences.
Like...Yes it happened, and yes beloved, it actually did hurt. You're just now seeing how bad it got.
Lord, I pray that makes sense.
I just don't want us to suppress our pain to the point of forgetfulness or even delusion. At some point, those things are going to come to the surface, and I want you to be okay when they do. (Or at least be in safe community)
Let's... Let's pick this up next week.
Talk soon,
Racq