Good Lord.
We haven't talked in 52 days, like bro.
Ya'll so much has been happening, I am doing my best to hold it all in a row. Life is moving at a swift pace, and I don't know how to appropriately keep up. Is there a way to keep up? What's the rhythm?
Idk.
*loud exhale*
Let's just start here: all of my current responsibilities are... a lot. I have new weight, new challenges, new changes, new transitions, new communication, new standards, and even new boundaries that I'm implementing. I'm in this new role, that I absolutely love, but it can be demanding at times. I am re-trying dating (I know chile, I know... but it hasn't been ghetto. That's another blog for another day). I've been having car trouble, so I'm now looking into purchasing a new baby (Lord help my heart, and my pockets). And in the middle of all the waves of life, I've just been trying to be present for Racquel.
But when can I think about me?
My brain is constantly on the next thing, the next assignment, the next event on the calendar, or recently... it's been on the fact that I haven't connected with my people.
I started feeling guilty recently, because I felt like I was being short or unresponsive to my village. I felt like I was neglecting them, and not giving them the time that I feel like they deserve.
When I engage with my people, I try my best to be emotionally and mentally present; otherwise I'd prefer not to engage. I never want to halfway do anything, that includes communication. But once I get overstim-stim, or I've been communicating for my job all day, it leaves me with very little.
I've found myself looking at a text, maybe even reacting to it, and not coming back to it for a week or two. Not because I didn't care, or it wasn't important, but I literally forgot. AND DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TEXTS I GET PER DAY?!
Hallelujah you're worthy.
I have been racking my brain for days, trying to figure out how to show up for people the way that they've shown up for me. But unfortunately here's what I've landed on... and I almost hate it, but it's my reality.
I have stepped into a season of life where I won't be as available. Gahhh, that feels so grand, and I NEVER want people to think I've gotten high and mighty. I'm not that girl. But I don't have the luxury of daily, DETAILED conversations with all of my people every day. I no longer have the luxury of chopping it up on facetime until my devices die. I no longer have the capacity to pour, and to encourage to ensure my people are breathing... when I'm gasping for air.
I have to be selfish. Gahhhh, I hate that.
I hate feeling like I can't do it all; there's that control issue again. I hate feeling like I have to scale back on some areas, how I show up, and where I pour my energy just because I have to take care of ME! As if that's a bad thing?!
Who told us we had to come last?
Wild.
I've had to trust that my village knows me well enough to know, that if I could be more present, I would be. If I could say more, I would. If I had more capacity, or even if I wanted to stretch myself a little more, I would do whatever it took for you to feel my presence.
But even they would rather me take care of myself, than to pour from an empty cup.
Idk ya'll.
I'm going to work to be back here next Monday though, that's what I am going to do. Shew.
Btw Subscribers, we need a name. Drop ideas in the comments for me.
Love ya'll bad.
Talk soon,
Racq