Shew.
Alrightttttt.
I'm in a bit of a pickle.
Wait... *deep inhale, and very loud exhale*
I have found myself struggling in the area of boundaries. Well... Let me talk it through first, one second.
I told you guys that I am working my way out of performative love, and acts, but what I've found is that the root of some of that behavior is rejection.
*violent tongues*
Because of rejection from "friends", potential opportunities or even love interests, I have overperformed and done everything in my natural power to prove that I'm the girl for the job.
Immmmmm going to have to walk this out slowly, for my own sake. Shew.
In my career, I've stayed late or answered messages after hours to prove that I'm a hard worker. I've taken the lead on tasks that weren't even mine to own, to show that I am a self starter. In relationships, I've been available for venting sessions and brain dumps, to prove that I'm a present friend or partner. (When I had 0 energy) I've cried in the car on the way to support friends in big moments, just so they know I'll show up every time. (Even if it costs me)
But now that I am attempting to establish safe boundaries for myself, I have found performance to be uncomfortable.
It has gotten to the point that if I feel like my boundaries are being pushed, or if I'm threatening to cross my own boundary, I'm almost nauseous. Because WHAT are you doing, Quel? Better yet... why?
But here's the other side of that complex...
*loud exhale*
What if the boundary, isn't a boundary... but its a self-erected wall? Are they the same thing? Or is one rooted in the potential of rejection... maybe even fear.
I don't know if that makes sense.
Recently, I had to sit with this complex, and if I'm honest I'm still processing it through.
Short story, a few years ago I set a hard boundary in one of my friendships. At the time I felt like it wasn't safe to be emotionally vulnerable or transparent with the person, based on previous rejection. Fast forward to present day, and the friendship is being re-presented to me as a safe place. Great right? Sure.
The problem is... I now have a steel wall that I can't see past when it comes to them. My nervous system says, RUN. But again... that's fear speaking up before I have the chance to. Because what I fully know is, that the friend and I have both grown, and evolved tremendously. They may now have the capacity to steward this friendship well, but do I have the courage to try again? Or better yet, do I have the courage to have the hard conversation before attempting to try?
So the steel wall is a now a boundary line. Like "We can talk about this, but we won't go past this point.", and "If they ask about this, we'll reroute the questions for protection.".
Now...Should I make this a prayer point? OF COURSE I SHOULD! Have I done it? OF COURSE NOT!
'Cause what if the Lord is going to challenge my boundary? And I end up having to trust Him, blindly... A G A I N.
*Severe eye roll*
Chile. I don't know.
I don't want to live in fear of rejection, but I don't want to be naive either.
Anyways.
I'll be back next week, hopefully.
Love ya'll bad.
Talk soon,
Racq