This may ruffle some feathers, but oh well.
I need to talk about being a Christian girlie, and managing platonic friendships.
Yeah, everybody just take a hot second to exhale, cause I'm diving right in.
I've said this before, but I was raised in a two-parent household. The friends that my parents invited over, were typically married, on the way to being married or seriously dating. If there was a single woman around, she was a friend of my mom's, and if there was a single male around, he was a friend of my dad's. They didn't typically have friends of the opposite sex around, if anything, those friends were referred to as "bro" or "sis".
I hope you're following me so far.
So, as a young woman growing up in the church, like many... if you had a male friend, you were asked "So, what's going on here?", "What ya'll got going on?", "Are ya'll dating?" or the ever so subtle, "Oh, they're attractive, don't you think?". The guy could've been a really good friend to you, a confidant, but slowly you begin to see him through another lens. Your hormones are increasing, you're embarking on the phase of life where you desire companionship, children, a family, and before you know it, you're wondering if your friend is thinking the same about you.
Typically not.
*Head tilt*
NOW, there are definitely some instances where really great friendships turn into more, even successful marriages. But some guys, actually just want to be a friend. Not a brother, not the man you'll marry by 35 if you're still single, not the backup plan... he wants to be your FRIEND.
Let's go further.
He would like to be a SAFE male in your life, who does not have a hidden or ulterior motive to get you behind closed doors. He wants to see you win, he wants to support you, he even may want to see you romantically happy... He just may not be your husband.
Because all the men who show genuine interest or concern, are not automatically in the running to be your husband. They just care about you, beloved.
It can be quite difficult to believe that a man doesn't want anything from you, especially when you've been mishandled by some, to include a father. If you weren't protected by a man, if you were not loved appropriately by a man, or if a currently toxic relationship STARTED as a safe friendship, you'll look at all incoming personnel with a squinting eye.
I get it.
But I'm learning that some of them are safe. *loud exhale*
Now, you have to be very honest with yourself... IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE A FRIENDSHIP WITH A MALE BECAUSE YOU'LL FALL FOR HIM, LEAVE HIM WHERE HE'S AT. Just wave to him, give him a quick "Hey Brother Wilson", and gone on with your homegirls. Unless you can guard your heart appropriately, just... just don't babe.
AND FURTHERMORE, I'm yelling.. but oh well.. IF THE LORD TOLD YOU HE IS YOUR HUSBAND, (respectfully) SHUT. UP.
*Starts smacking my fellow sisters in Christ*
Don't you tell that man, "God told me you're my husband.". HE COULD VERY WELL BE, but if the Lord hasn't revealed that to the MAN, you're moving prematurely bookie. That could cause an alternate reaction, and while you're waiting on the pretty fireworks, bombs finna start going off.
Not only have you potentially broken your own heart, you've also made the friend very uncomfortable. Unfortunately now, without prayer and very hard conversations, the connection won't ever be the same.
*Loud exhale*
I can only fuss at you about things I've experienced, and I want to help you babe... I really do.
FOR ANY RELATIONSHIP, FRIENDSHIP, etc you want to pray and ask the Lord "What purpose does this relationship have in my life right now?". You can even pray, "How do I appropriately steward this relationship?". You gotta know what boundaries are required to keep it safe, what activities you can do together, and which ones are a no go.
Ya'll, because of my own desires, dreams, thoughts, and LACK of boundaries, I've mishandled some male friendships. I've thought some wanted to be more than just a listening ear, or if they wanted to be a listening ear, they OBVIOUSLY wanted to be my man... nah. That's how you get your feelings hurt.
I'm now in a place of learning to be friends with males, without the taunting feeling that at some point, they're going to mishandle me, they'll take advantage of me, or they'll eventually make their move. It also has taken me out of the performance mindset, or even the desire to perform in hopes that they'll see me as a wife. You don't have to say amen, I will. WHOLE new reality at 33, almost 34, but I need to see this from a healthy angle for my heart's sake. More than ever, I am unlearing everything I ever knew, or thought I knew about relationships. If I'm honest, it hasn't been fun, and sometimes I absolutely hate it.
But ya know... healing in waves, or whatever.
Very different perspective these days, shew.
But one thing for sure, I just want to ensure I'm safe.. and that I'm safe for other parties. (That's a different conversation)
I wanna say so much more about this but we'll circle back.
In the meantime, if you know a girlie in waiting who's struggled with boundaries and placement, share this with her.
P.S. Thanks for reading. Here's your promo code for $5 off the new merch: BLOGPERKS. (Don't put the period; last day to use the code is 6/12)
Selah.
Talk soon,
Racq