Vulnerability.
Sorry, we didn't even exhale yet. Let's start there.
*very deep inhale, exhale*
Ya'll, I told you that the last 2 months have taken me on a ride, but I don't even think that's sufficient enough to express where I've been.
In the last blog, I spoke about standards and how the love from my village made me adjust my perspective. It made me look at myself differently, evaluate my choices and make adjustments. I also shared that consequently, I've have to have some conversations, establish boundaries, and utilize my "no".
I've had to be more vocal in the last 36 days, than I've been all year probably. Back to back conversations, where I expressed my heart, answered hard questions, looked rejection in the face, told my flesh to be quiet, and having to ask God... "How do I say this?".
I don't know if you've ever been in an in-depth conversation where you wanted to go for broke, I mean call the other party everything but a child of God... and the Lord quite literally says, "AHT". Not ChatGPT (I call it Gipta), not A1, the Lord stops you from cussing them clean out. Because no matter how you feel, you still have to see them through the eyes of grace and love.
Ain't that dumb?!?! *Head tilt*
Anyhow, in the past, when I've been in emotional seasons/spaces, I've isolated. I felt like my emotions were too big to handle, even for me. So, it was easier for me to just tuck away in my bed, without interruption, and maybe some snacks. I mean, why would I burden my village with my problems, when they have mountains of their own? And how do I know they have capacity for me to unleash this boiling word vomit, tears, and maybe screams?
Those were my real thoughts for the longest time. But here's what I realized...
In previous seasons of my life, I have opened up to those around me, unburdening my soul, and they in no way had emotional capacity for me. So by the time I was done sharing my heart, I felt empty. I felt like I had wasted words, and I never wanted to feel that way again. Consequently, I isolated or only talked to God about the matters of my heart. It helped, but I needed community, safe community that could be present.
So I tried something different, and I let my people in. (Healing in waves, right?)
When I started the hard conversations that I mentioned earlier, within hours of the first one I texted a few friends letting them know what was happening. I told them what I would need, and how they could be present for me in that moment. (Because they always ask) From there, I spent every single day for a week solid with somebody in my network. The wild part about it? I had scheduled time with these women the week prior, not knowing how badly I was going to need community. (How sweet of God)
So while my heart was breaking in real time, they held my hand, they asked me questions, they prayed with and for me, they fed me, and they listened. I... Ya'll. They loved me, and ARE loving me through one of the most emotionally taxing seasons of my life. And guess what? They still have capacity for me.
Here's the thing. When God gives you friends, the real ones, they're not just there for the cute celebrations and selfies. They're assigned to you. They will pray, they will comfort, they will show up, they will make sure you've had water, and will make sure you got out of the bed... even when you don't want to.
Vulnerability has been uncomfortable in some aspects. But I am getting more and more comfortable with expressing when I need something; no matter what it is.
I don't want to do life alone anymore, and you shouldn't either.
Please let people love you; they're safe.
Talk soon,
Racq