Alright.
We are at the point in the year where we start reflecting.
We reflect on our wins, our losses, the changes in relationships, the many many transitions, and maybe even our desires that haven't yet come to pass. Some of us may be filled with joy, because the year brought so many wins, and you just cannot believe how much the Lord loved on you. Some of us have already hopped into the New Year, because 2025 just wasn't kind. Some of us may be in the struggle of, "It wasn't all bad, but the bad... the bad almost took me out of here.".
I think that's where I am.
Ya'll, *chuckles* I have never in my African-American days experienced a year like 2025. Like, as I type this, I keep shaking my head because there's no way I can laugh about this. BUT YOU HAVE TO LAUGH TO KEEP FROM CRYING, LAMB OF GOD.
Let me back up, cause we didn't even exhale. *loud year-long exhale*
I had some pretty amazing wins this year, I did. For one, I started this blog. I didn't know how far we would go with it, and I didn't know if anybody would ever read it... but my Lord. Ya'll almost bully me if an email is not in your inbox, FIRST thing Monday morning. I start getting texts, dms, voice notes... and I'm so not being funny. But I appreciate your support, and encouragement. I really cannot explain how much it has meant to me.
In addition to the blogs, you can now put AUTHORESS (I love that word) in front of my name. TUH. Releasing two e-books were not on my Bingo card this year, but the Lord used my life as an example, which birthed something that would help people. How kind of God. (And before you start yelling, yes, book three to complete the series is still underway, I didn't forget.)
But you know my favorite thing about this year? My village expanding. I've told you guys, I already had a pretty solid village, they are untouchable. To the point that I didn't think I had room or capacity to love anymore. Then my Memphis village found me; I could really cry right this second. My laughter, my love, my prayers, my health, my devotion, and my drive have increased daily because they won't let me die. Sounds harsh, but its the truth. They will in fact kick this apartment door in before they let me drown in depression and anxiety. (And at least one of them has a key, to just walk in) I have trusted this gang with my life, but what sealed the deal for me was when my sister, and one of my best girls came to visit back in August. By the time they were leaving, they had given their stamp of approval that I was safe, and in good community. For those two, that was a HUGE deal... because they will in fact knock all this over about me. But they knew I was okay, and they're worries for me lessened just a bit.
However, in between the wins, the laughter, the celebrations, and a lot of food came heartbreak, family woes, waves of new transitions, conflicts at my part-time job, and a lot of tears. I had to speak up for myself more, I had to verbally say when I wasn't okay with something. I had to be more vulnerable to be understood. And my prayer life, shew... hear me... I yap the Lord's ear off. "AHEM, a word, Sir!" Cause what is this?!?!?
Finally, one Sunday morning in November, after I was done rolling around and crying in my corner, I grabbed my journal. The Lord so quickly said to me, "You're feeling the tension of standing in the gap"; then broke down who all I had been standing in the gap for. He went on to say, "The only way you can release the burden is in my presence". Which was confirmation of a word that I received back in July. I said there's no other relief? Is that what you just said to me?!
But He was serious, the temperature was at its hottest, the flame was BLUE, okay?! There was no venting session, no vice, etc. that would've sufficed outside of yielding all control to Him.
If I'm honest, somedays we're still in a tug-of-war, but my grip is weakening by the second. Because I'm exhausted.
I mean even as you read this, I'm in the middle of yet another transition, doing my best to just be a daughter when not a thing makes sense. BUT OKAY LORD!
*Another loud exhale and eye twitch*
It'll all make sense, that's what I know... cause it always does. I just feel like I'm in a daze, and trying to come to grips with the fact that this year truly sent me on the ride of my life. Idk.
Anyways, This won't be the last post for the year, I just needed to get that out my body.
Thanks for listening to me yap.
Talk soon,
Racq