Okayyyy, we’re back.
Where did we leave off? Oh, right… crying over Shrek.
I was locked into the movie, instantly. This ogre, in his own swamp, took on the ideal that the world hated him, based on a few negative perspectives. He assumed that he was mean, scary, and ugly to everyone, so he pushed the world away. He roared, he stomped and caused a scene because he felt that he was a monster.
loud Sigh
As the movie goes on, he crosses paths with Donkey. Donkey was loving, talkative, and ready to be a loyal companion. But Shrek wasn’t even comfortable with the idea of having a friend. He didn’t want anybody getting too close.
He even went as far as to say, “People take one look at me and say ahh a big, stupid, ugly ogre. They judge me before they even know me.”. You know what Donkey said in response? “When we met, I didn’t think you were just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.”
My chest got tight again. Wanna know why?
I thought about the amount of times I've acted out of my norm, because people perceived me to be a certain way. So, I chose to go with that persona. If you already think I’m the villain, I might as well back up the claim.
See… it has become easier for me to build a very tall wall, and keep the world out than to let people see… me. The moment I begin to talk about my very big emotions, or deep feelings, my breathing patterns change, my eyes get wet, my words start scrambling, and I draw brain blanks.
Part of me feels like my body is subconsciously going into defense mode, because when I’ve shared deep feelings before… the recipients were unprepared for them. They didn’t have capacity, or they became instantly uninterested… so I went cold. Basically, “Don’t let the world in, because they don't care. They only want you for what you can do for them.”
I know that’s not true, but it can be my reality sometimes.
Idk, maybe that’s too much.
Anyhow, I kept watching the movie, then the second, and the third. I watched Shrek eventually gain everything he had ever secretly longed for. He got the girl, family, children, and community.
You know what he started to do? Self sabotage and fumble it all.
He had spent so much of his life alone, and he had prepared to spend the remainder of his life that way. He hadn’t made room for a wife and children in his world, because he no longer thought it was a possibility.
So, back to me.
What if the Lord were to give me all of my heart’s desires within the blink of an eye, and I ruin it because I was made to believe I was unworthy of it.
Ugh.
We’ll have to finish this over the next few weeks.
Selah.
Talk soon,
Racq