Alrightyyyy.
*sigh*
I know we talked about grace last week, but I need to park here for just a little bit.
Do you know how challenging it can be to “leave old things behind”, while still actively living in this Earthly body?
It’s like, you have all of your life experiences, trauma, rejection, etc that has become a part of your makeup. You then start working to heal, clean up your life, grow, and learn better habits, only to be battling with the old ones.
And you can’t say you don’t know better, because you do now. You DEFINITELY know better, you’re older, more mature, and you’ve cried enough tears behind the wrong moves to know when something isn’t good for you. Even more than that, you can see the red flags, all bright and shiny like you're at an amusement park, when you’re headed in the wrong direction.
You’ve already been in this cycle, sugga.
But do you know what the problem is? You’re comfortable there.
You know how to navigate trauma, you know how to cope once your heart gets broken, how to handle letting that very toxic ex back in, and you know how to safeguard your emotions, so nobody sees you sweat.
So, what’s difficult for you? Healing.
I remember telling God after my 31st birthday, “I want to get to know the version of me that you intended, before trauma came into play.”
WHY DO YA’LL LET ME PRAY THESE INSANE PRAYERS?!?
WHO SAYS THAT OUT LOUD??!
But I meant it! I had only known the Racquel that was guarded, sometimes cold, untrusting, hurt, and who masked all of it with smiles, jokes and affirming words for others.
Just over here fighting in silence.
Wild behavior.
Now, was every situation that I LIVED through needed for my story? Absolutely! You must embrace all of it.
So here I am shedding layers, every single solitary day, and rejoicing that God has given me a chance to get to know the real me. At the same time, I am grieving what was, and what no longer can be. AND having to give myself grace, because I’m learning a whole new way of life, and I have to be gentle with this new human.
Pretty sure I’m in the ghetto section of the Kingdom of Heaven. Idk.
Talk soon,
Racq