Whew ya’ll. Okay, hold on.
*Exhales*
Now, this blog will be for the OGs, the ones that have been here since the early days.
I have been encountering a good number of waves on this healing journey, and chile… crying… just cryinnnnn’. But I’ve been allowing myself to feel all the feels and extending myself the grace to navigate these new spaces.
Okay, so I’ve been telling ya’ll a little bit about me navigating the single life as a 30 something year old girlie. First of all, ghetto. Do you know the things you have to sort through when you’re DATING at
this big age? There are truly some people that are at the point of, “Baby, I’ll just take what I can get.” Or “Chile, which one is the LEAST ugly and has the most money?”. I’m being funny, but also slightly serious. Between trauma, the people who just want a “vibe”, “sex first then maybe I’ll take you to get some food”, childhood wounds, unfaithfulness, etc… The ninjas of God are tired, okay? TIRED. And then you have the people who say, “Well the bible says He who finds…”, BABY COME KNOCK ON MY DOOR. I’ll be at the house, ‘cause I don’t want to be found while being outside in these NOSTY streets.
Alright, that was my rant… I’m good. Praise be unto God who causes us to triumph.
Anyways, in one of my early blog posts I told you guys about how I was trying to process my feelings “post-relationship”, and… eh… that’s another post for another day. But one thing I shared was that I was struggling with listening to music, particularly love songs.
Here’s why they were a problem for me, they made me feel. Love songs made me think about people who were no longer occupying the space I desired them to be in. They made me feel emotions that would send me into tears, reminiscing or even regretting decisions that I made; this eventually would
lead me into a slight wave of sadness. This one act would trigger a downward spiral, and I didn’t want to voluntarily open myself up to a potential wave of depression. Idk if that makes sense, but yeah.
However, over the last few months I’ve slowly started reintegrating these songs back into my repertoire. Some days I’ve started a song, felt my chest getting tight and turned on a praise break… cause you NOT bout to take me out today. Other days, I’ve been able to let my playlist run, still have my feelings, but not let them overtake me. But the other day, I had a win, and it made very happy.
So, last week one of my friends TOLD me we were going outside. (chuckles) I was tired, but after the week I had, I needed to get out of my house, so I agreed. It was instantly a time, full of laughs, some good food, ya know… THE VIBE, OKAY? Well, we ended up at a second location… (whew, we were being youthful), and this location was hosting an r&b night. My first question was “Are they going to play REAL r&b, or that new aged stuff they call music?”. I’ve officially reached that stage of life, CAUSE WHAT IS THIS??!?!
Anyways, it turned out it was 90s r&b, I was pleased.
Suddenly, “Weak” comes on, and I start belting out the lyrics, just having a time. Halfway through the song, I stopped and tilted my head. I instantly began an internal conversation with myself that started with, “Quel, you’re not sad right now.”. For the first time I wasn’t thinking about anybody, I didn’t
feel like I was going to cry, and I didn’t feel like I was on the brink of a meltdown. I really sat there in the longest pause questioning if I was okay, as if joy had become foreign. (I’ll preach it later, let’s move on) And when it finally settled that I was truly okay, I went right back to singing with a new
level of joy.
You know what it did for me? That small moment let me know that I was progressively healing, and I was on the right track. It also let me know that I won’t always be in a weeping season, at some point I’ll experience a level of joy that surpasses any tear I’ve ever cried.
And you know what? I feel like I’m right on the edge of a new dawning.
God, I see you.
Talk soon,
Racq